Quest’uomo

Ho scoperto, forse già lo sapevo, certamente lo speravo, che hai il mio senso dell’umorismo. Per lo meno, credo tu abbia un senso dell’umorismo simile a quello che io mi attribuisco: acuto, sottile, a volte un po’ ruvido, talvolta pungente, istintivo e spontaneo. Non è una cosa che viene fuori sempre. Deve esserci di base una specie di alchimia che si instaura con le persone che ti stanno intorno. Funziona così anche per me: intimità, agio, rilassatezza. 

L’altro giorno, per dire, eravamo in macchina e io ti chiedevo se avresti voluto andare al cinema a vedere i Me contro Te. Tu eri indecisa perché non eri sicura ti sarebbe piaciuto. Allora io ti ho detto che nessuno va al cinema a vedere un film che sa per certo gli piacerà, è la seduzione della sorpresa. E una sorpresa può essere bella o brutta. Naturalmente mentivo perché io vado al cinema a vedere solo i film dei registi che mi piacciono o quelli che mi consigliano persone di cui mi fido. Ma questo non te l’ho detto perché vorrei farti crescere un po’ meglio di me. Ho allora cominciato a scherzare e raccontarti di quanto possa essere bello scoprire di aver visto un film meraviglioso. Nel dirti questo ho detto “vedi un film che non ti aspettavi e dici bomba che capolavoro!” e tu hai cominciato a ridere tantissimo per il mio “bomba”. E mentre ridevi mi dicevi “papà ma come parli?” e io ti ho detto che parlo come parlano i giovani e tu mi hai risposto di essere giovane e non aver mai detto “bomba”. E io allora ti ho detto che ti autorizzavo a dirlo ma tu non mi hai preso sul serio e mi hai detto che una cosa così non esiste e non puoi dirla ai tuoi amici perché non esiste nemmeno per loro e poi hai continuato a ridere ancora un po’. Ridevo anch’io e riflettevo nel frattempo sul tuo “papà”. Riflettevo sui modi con i quali ti rivolgi a me. Generalmente mi chiami papi, delle volte pipi, quando vuoi essere ilare mi dici padre (e io mi rivolgo a te dicendoti figlia), altre ancora inventi dei nomignoli che si esauriscono lì per lì. Usi però la parola papà solamente quando sei molto seria, quando vuoi raccontarmi qualcosa sulla quale pretendi un ascolto speciale. Il tuo papà blocca le cose, come a dire attenzione da questo momento devi ascoltare meglio. E allora mentre ridevo mi immaginavo me nella tua testa, mi immaginavo questo padre quasi quarantenne che usa parole da ventenne che ha rubato per strada a qualche adolescente e si infila in bocca per farcire una conversazione di un elemento di scalpore e immediatamente tu lo percepisci, lo decodifichi e ti chiedi perché, anche se ridi, ti chiedi chi io sia in quell’istante o forse chi io voglia essere. E nel farlo forse mi costringi a riflettere davvero su quanto e come io sia me stesso, quanto e come possa apparirti realmente chi sono. E immediatamente capisco che quel “bomba” lanciato alla rifusa in una frase è un estraneo tra noi. Tu fai questo e capisco chiaramente che davanti a te sono sempre nudo, un padre, un uomo. Come in una striscia continua e senza pause, sono adolescente, adulto, senior. Sono tutto quello che sono stato e quello che sarò, sono l’insieme delle parole che ho detto, quelle che ho pensato, quelle che ho solo sentito senza pronunciare. Davanti a te io sono solo io, senza trasformazioni né trucchi, sono il mio nome. È per questo che quando un attimo dopo mi hai detto “papi tu sarai anche giovane dentro ma fuori sei molto vecchio” ho riso quasi con le lacrime agli occhi perché mi sono visto coi i capelli tutti bianchi, le rughe profonde e le mani rinseccolite mentre provo a ballare una tarantella senza esserne capace. E quella tarantella la ballo perché tu suoni la fisarmonica e io devo seguire solo il ritmo, nient’altro.

Poi siamo arrivati a casa e hai notato che avevo attaccato alla parete il disegno che mi avevi fatto per il mio compleanno. Nel disegno ci siamo io e te sotto ad un cuore gigantesco. Allora disegnavi ancora le figure umane con delle gambe lunghissime. Quando sei entrata, hai visto il disegno e mi hai detto “papi ti avevo fatto magrissimo”. Io ti ho risposto “mi hai fatto come sono” e tu hai aggiunto “no, se volessi farti come sei non entreresti in due fogli”. Ecco, a questo punto dovrebbe scattare la mia solita sviolinata sul quanto sia bello e unico e sensazionale averti come figlia. E invece no. Stavolta ti scrivo per dirti che non mi importa se sono vecchio o grasso, ciò che voglio, ho e sono è essere me stesso e esserlo con te e per te e questo è davvero la cosa più straordinaria che possa capitare in una vita. E questo, sì, è davvero una bomba!

144 pensieri riguardo “Quest’uomo

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